Monday, May 31, 2010

countdown- 5 hari lagi

first day this week, sampai uni pun agak lambat, dalam kepala dah takda fikir hal studi sangat, duk fikir apa nak buat balik, apa nak beli nak makan, bila nak jumpa kenkawan , etc...

tapi sampai je kat uni, bila start mengadap PC, momentum nak studi tu datang juga, Alhamdulillah..cuma ada beberapa perkara yang dah dirancang last week nak buat this week belum buat lagi..susah sket lah rasanya..nak nak kalau yg kena berurusan dengan org, nak tanya tanya org..hai..rasa susahnya la, kalau benda yg boleh deal sendiri sendiri tu rasanya takda masalah, yg nak kena baca, tulis, gubah, bla bla boleh buat dgn efisien, tapi bila bab bab nak kena jumpa irg tanya, explain, bagi feedback ni..rasa berat je nak buat, tapi memang nak kena buat juga kalau tak tak ada progress lah, sebab mostly, benda benda ni nak kena tanya org, minta org explainkan barulah dapat solve...so sambil sambil aku duduk tinjau tijau apa yg nak di isi dalam borang confirm, kepala pun ligat berfikir plan utk esok dan seterusnya sampai khamis...

moga2 aku dapat penuhi saki baki hari2 ni dengan keje yg berfaedah dan bukan dengan menangguh kerja..insyaAllah..kuatkanlah semangat aku, hilangkan perasaan malas dlm diriku ini, dan permudahkan lah urusan ku..YaALlah..amiin ya rabbal alamin..

tadi sebelum balik, seperti biasa aku suka recap balik apa yg dah aku buat hari ni..:-
-aku edit isi confirmation form kat part introd-ni pun cam slow je, nak kena kait dgn literature dari papers tu yg tak pandai tu..
-take note on method yg aku plan nak pakai, macamana measurement chemical yg dibuat oleh literature

tu je 2 keje aku tadi, tak productive sangat hari ni,maklumlah isnin.monday blues...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

countdown best punya!!

aah tak sabarnya nak balik best nya, dan yg menarik juga kerana balik ni bukan saja dapat lepas rindu pada keluarga dan foods, tapi dapat juga gi PTK dan husband pun dapat gi kursus lesen remisier dia..kebetulan yang sungguh indahhh...8 hari lagi ye..tak sabar nya..rasa macam dah malas nak buat apa2 nak melayan perasaan je, tapi tak bolehlahh, aku mesti berpijak di bumi nyata, agak sukar juga nak menetapkan hati dan terus tumpukan minda pada studi sahaja..

hakikatnya memang ada aje kerja yang masih tertangguh..yg paling kritikal adalah :-
- nak cari info tentang mask utk 4-probe ni,perlu ke tak perlu...
-collect literatures utk isi borang confirm
-nak pakat2 dengan student PG kat lab level 9 tu utk clean-up satu fumehood yg tak dipakai..sebab aku nak pakai..

Dr K (bukan Dato' K ye) suruh aku cakap je kat student2 kat lab itu ajak kemas2, aku kata, " impossible they will listen to me..." tapi dia balas balik..
" Believe me, if you tell them, they will listen to you.."

..ehh lain macam je bunyinya..apa maksud dia sebenarnya..aku macam nak tanya nak tanya, " what do you mean Dr??"..tapi tak terkeluar..nampak muka aku ni macam garang sangat kahhh.. at last aku mintak juga2 dia tolong bagitau, dan aku tak kisah kalau aku kena buat sorang2 pun tak apa...hemm..

mengeluh sebentar mengenangkan nak kena deal benda2 remeh ni dengan mereka semua..guys, so far aku sorang je female yg guna lab tu bersama lebih 10 male students..memang aku rasa sukar sangat,
aku memang kena kuatkan semangat, cekalkan hati, kena be gentle but firm ekk?? yang aku pasti aku kena berani bersuara..speak out loud, tak boleh simpan dalam hati..diorang ni semua jenis yang terus terang, tapi ada cara2 lah nak terus terangkan..kena sorry dulu, kena puji2 dulu, bagitau positif2 dulu..then baru the worst part..

part ni memang nak kena polish lagi banyak, aku masih tergagap gagap, terkial kial,satu nak susun ayat, satu perasaan malu + "segann" menebal sangat..kena practice banyak2..apakata practice kat rumah dulu dgn husband...habisla kalau semua benda nak terus terang..sanggup ke aku mendengarnya dan meluahnya..kekekeh....

tapi apa apa hal pun, aku masih dapat tetapkan hati utk buat kerja yg aku mampu buat sekarang, cuba sedaya upaya untuk tidak menagguh kerja, tapi kerja yg boleh tangguh aku tangguhlaa..nak balik youu,taknak beban kepala banyak2 benda..so aku kena kuatkan semangat lagi untuk another week before fly back to malaysia..5 hari lagi utk buat kerja, so kerja betul2 apa2 yang boleh buat dulu..buat je..so akan datang senang..bersusah dahulu bersenang kemudian lah katakann....

Saturday, May 22, 2010

confuse--nervous

yesterday, at 11am, me, my sv and Isv have a discussion with another professor which his main interest is in sensors but recently try diverging in sc research. he attended the discussion with 2 of his students, one of them is focusing on sc but in different design.

my Isv is very determine,he is the one who do the talking, i kind of left behind by him which i felt fine cause i am not the one who giving this idea, my idea is only on enhancement of one part of the cell, and he came up with a lot of ideas on how to do it...the professor asking some questions on why , how, where to do this and that, and my sv and Isv like discussing together, and of course sometime pointing on me, but most of the time i didn't have a chance to say anything..sooo..i just stay put, and be a good 'listener'

and surprisingly i noticed that my Isv kind of changing my initial intention of this research, i am not sure whether he knows what he said, but i need to confirm this with him next week..

and, as usual, after every meeting, i will be given new tasks, which almost all of them are not relevant to each other, not in sequence with the previous plan,..in short, it is something NEW!!!!
i need to dig & search for literatures, back to square 1, and maybe, i also need to collaborate with the prof to set-up an 'old' equipment to start my sample deposition...

aarrgghh..it makes me nervous, do i have enough time to try all of these suggested methods first before really focusing on only 1 or 2...and the equipment,chemicals..it surely takes time and it really makes me sick!!

it makes me confuse to think of different methods at the same time, and which materials involve, since at the first place, i am only planning to focus on 2 materials and compare to the standard sample from industry, but then in the discussion, MORE than 3 materials pop-up from my Isv's mouth and i guess also from my sv's..

aaarghh....

Thursday, May 20, 2010

aku dlm dilema

apa ni??? esok meeting lagi sv aku plan meeting ni dgn sv2I aku, dengan prof yg sekarang focus bidang yang kebetulan lebih kurang sama dengan research aku...dan prof ni akan angkut segala bala student dia utk berdepan dengan aku...hayooo..sgt tidak suka..what if diorg ni plan tukar lagi benda lain,pastu tak jadi pastu tukar ke lain lagi...aku ni camne..cam tersepit kat tengah dengan demand2 mereka yg sgt passionate terlebih pulak dgn bidang aku...mudah mudahan sv2I aku akan back-up dan tolong aku merealitikan objectif research aku ni...

si L admin ofis dah forwardkan borang utk confirm this july...ha camnoo..???

tak lena tido lgi laa aku malm ni..hemmm dah brp mlm ekk asyik kelip2 je...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

banyak cabang pulak dahh

meeting dgn sv1 and sv2I, surprisingly mereka merancang utk aku focus on satu lagi method lain utk synthesize sampel..aduuh,penaT betul, dgn method1 dan method2 yg terkutang kating lagi, diorang ni biar betul...aku rasa tension jugaklaa..habis meeting balik ofis aku termenung je depan PC ...masa tu rasa macam macam, nak pengsan, panik, berdebar debar, down, tak confident...boleh ke aku ni..dahlah SV1 tu macam teragak agak je...ni nak set meeting dgn sorang lagi Dr yg ada buat juga lebih kurang cam topik aku...aku fikir,,hai,nanti entah apa pulak lagi method baru keluar...risau..BIG BIG W sekarang...WORRY 3X

Sunday, May 16, 2010

new day for me

last week rasa agak stress dengan meeting with 'I' sv dan second sv from the RC bla bla bla..weekend agak menarik, most of the time jadi housewife laa apa lagi, dan yg bestnya dapat catch-up tv series, macam ugly betty, desperate housewives, adamaya..emm adamaya agak mengesankan juga walau belum boleh lawan nurkasih...

this blog has been privatised bermula sekarang..sebab rasanya lebih selesa nak menulis di sini bila tau takda orang yg agak agak jeles membaca sebab kekadang macam ada rasa aura jeles dalam diri beberapa org yg baru di contact oleh aku...hanya aku yg tau..

anyway i am determined to start a new day tomorrow, more productive, braver, friendly-er, more efficient with my work..frust bila buka website my uni tadi ingat ada space for To-Do-List nak cuba jadi lebih organise dalam buat phd aku ni..so far rasanya okay dah, tapi nak kena lebih organise..so rasanya i can depend on my BB for this....

please Tie, starting tmorrow be more:-
- energetic
- efficient
- friendly to people
- brave to ask and to give opinion
- organised
- punctual on doing my phd works, try avoid delay okay!! (seriously)
- relax, don't be stressful...everything have its limitation
- focus on phd works...critically need to be considered

that's all .....for now , i guess

Saturday, May 15, 2010

meeting at the research centre

finally the day was come..yesterday friday, i went to the research centre with my "I' sv by train until reach Camberwell, and my SV fetched us and went to the RC..

we arrived about 10 minutes to 11am and we waited at the canteen for my second sv because he was at another building at that moment we arrived, and my SV asked if i want a coffee, looks like he wants to pay for it:) but i kind of felt ashame at that time and suddenly i told him, 'thanks Prof, i am not a coffee type of person..'( at the same time, i am pretty much sure that i heard myself laughing at me..hahahah..):(..

never mind...terlepas belanja kopi..actually i got panic when he asked, 'how would you like your coffee??'..and i totally have no idea how to respond..with sugar and milk?, white?, black?..how?? how to respond when people asked you that question..fuhh..i need to ask someone about this...kiv

then my second sv arrived, we chatted for a while and he told us about his/their recent project..and then he accompanied us to visit their new labs at another building which used to be a coffee warehouse before the RC took over..

we visited the cleanroom and the fabrication lab again, it looked fully utilised compared to our last visit last year, and i really excited and wish i can get some opportunities to work there, using all the new equipments, glove box, etc..

we discussed some more on my research and my second sv advised me to really look deeply into the concrete reasons of choosing any material in this project and have to make sure that i have all the strong reasons recorded, cited, and completely understand of their function, advantages, disadvantages..

we agreed on the steps of the project, some synthesize works at the uni, and testing at the RC..

i really glad and felt relief that we achieved that kind of agreement, even though at the first stage of the meeting, i am quite confused with all the things that my second sv talked about and how my SV and 'I' sv responded to him, but at last, its became clearer and eased my 'dizzy-ness'...

i didn't got time to take picture of us although i tried several times, they seems to keep chatting with each other and plan for another bigger project together, will apply for new funding..blabla bla..well never mind, i still have ample time to do that..

as a conclusion, i really treasure and grateful, we had that meeting, and its kind of a push gear that motivates me in doing my work.and hopefully with Allah wills and blessings,i will have enough strength to keep 'going', insyaAllah

Friday, May 7, 2010

weekly update

well, my 'I' sv came back here for 12 weeks from 29th of april, and he is kind of a guy who really committed to his job, i guess because my research topic is really his expert area, and i am also really wants to make full use of his time here..

we will have an important meeting next week at one research centre in melbourne and will meet with my co-sv there who also is an expertise on my field of research...wow, my honourable svs are everywhere, around the world..heheheh.

frankly speaking, i am VERY nervous with this coming meeting, because my co-sv will introduce me to other person/s who also working on the same field ,probably students or other researchers, i am not sure...but i reckon i need to have a well preparation for these meeting...

so while in the train heading home, my mind wasn't stop thinking about this meeting...i am afraid of my capability to explain things in 'a scientific' manner..i am not confident enough..even if i met someone at school and he/she asked "so what research are you working on actually..?"..i kind of..."errr..err well its about semiconductor device..ehh no not exactly, emm actually more on ehmm..mmm what we called..??" ..so embarassing..i can't even explain to other PG students, so i don't know, what will be my reaction to explain to others who happen to be the expertise in this research field..

yes i know, i need to prepare myself very very very (seriously!!) very well...i keep thinking of the questions they might ask me, should i write a report on my previous works, or should i just be silence and let my SV and "I"sv 'leads the way'...no i don't think so...

well i guess i won't enjoy my weekend's much due to this matter...i can't even sleep well lately...the face of my"I" sv kept popping in front of me and bombarded me with questions, this and that, what, why, how, which is which.. ..aahhh..

now i know...AND I DON'T LIKE IT BUT I HAVE TO FACE ITT..that nowww
i am in WAR!!!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

penat wehh

soo tired this week, the I' sv is very agressive..always wants a meeting, progress, progress, progress..penat weh..n each meeting i got new tasks..heheh, at each meeting at least he gaves me 3 tasks, i already have 3 meeting!! from monday until today..soo approximately..about 9 tasks now..and the best part is none of it done!!..

and lately i felt a bit lonely....tired and lonely...what a combination, i wonder if it can be cured with eating chocolate...hemmmm..

Monday, May 3, 2010

today's nervous day & chocolate

so nervous today..why?? i actually have a meeting with my so-called co-sv from india, he just came back here for 12 weeks, and of course he kind of has a high expectation on me...but actually that's what i feel about him..



when i arrived at uni, at the first place i just want to pretend that i don't have to see him today, but my instinct keep saying " call him call him, have a meeting with him.." and i did.



i called him and arrange a meeting at 11am together with my sv, prof mike. i showed him what results i got from several preliminary measurements i've made, and still i am like don't know how to explain things in order, i can feel like i am jumping here and there, and when i glanced at his face, OMG!!..i know he kind of confuse/blank/blurr of what i am presenting to him.



Luckily i manage to get something printed on so he can study it by himself instead, and the meeting last away to early than i expected..its only takes about 20 minutes..and when i stepped out of the room, my mind keep thinking, is this enough? is this okay? or are they thinking something bad and saying bad things about me after i left ?



he gave me some work to do and tomorow i have to show him what i've done, hopefully tomorrow will be better, i kept imagine banging my head to my table while saying "stupid stupid stupid of me", after the meeting because i can't even remember the most easiest formula which i used it a lot in my calculation, and i must say, i felt stupid, very stupid at that time when he asked me what formula did i use to calculate that graph...ish ish ish..terrible!



anyway, my sv helped me out sometimes, he knew it when i don't know how to respond and he helped me explain it back to me or explained to him...my co-sv, his ascent sometime not so clear, and i need to really pay attention to his mouth to know what he is saying..haha



and the best part ever today is that, i read an article about phd journey again today ..(check at "check it out" segment on the right)..and at one part the author said something that chocolate can really make us forget about stress and chocolate can stimulate us to be more cheerful and give our best effort in work..take chocolate while doing phd might help to reduce your phd stress...really???



walllahhh, i like that very much, in fact yeaa, now i realise why i am being soo moody lately, ...i need chocolate..i need it desperately..i need it nowww...