Tuesday, November 23, 2010

JANGAN PANDANG BELAKANG..don't look back

its not about ghost, or haunting story..

as a normal human being created by Allah SWT, we have our bright and dark moments in our life, for the bright memories, its good to hold them as a motivation for us to face the future, but what about the dark memories...??

some of it, we managed to let go, but some stay in our heart and mind, no matter how hard you try to forget, to resist but they still there...

last night i saw my sister who now divorced downloaded her wedding and engagement pictures which happened long ago in FB, at that time something click in my mind " poor her, looks like she couldn't let go that memories yet..the time when everybody were dressed you with a beautiful dress, make you beautiful, talk to you nicely, teasing you about you and your future husband, well i do understand because that moments were the best ever happen to any woman...but for her it was a sad ending and she just won't let it go..

she is a good sister, always there for her other siblings, especially me and my eldest sis..most of the time to help with the kids, she is there when i am sad, i can just call her and go to her house for a time break..she is a good daughter to our parent, being very helpful , she is a good auntie to her nieces and nephews..quite popular..

i wish she will be strong and move on, plan her own life for a better future, no matter she will remarry or not, i really hope she will not look back..because in my personal humble opinion..no matter hard we try to seek for man's love, we have to love our self first and i definitely don't think by looking at those pictures will help her to love herself, i am afraid she will always looking back and tired to move on..Allah please give her strength and guide her to seek for your love, YA Allah amminnn..i pray to Allah that she will meet someone who really appreciate her as she is and will guide her to reach for Allah's love , because i always believe Allah knows best..

and then i wondered, do i have any bad moment/s, what was my dark moment/s..surprisingly i can't remember any!!! am i so lucky not having any bad experience...no i don't think so..i have some actually..after thinking about it for a while yess i do have some bad moments in my life :-

in 1996

1- my leg was hurt badly while moving my stuffs at my first rented house at Bangi - i worked at MARA college at BAngi after graduates..(my very first job:))..and i couldnot manage to go back to terengganu because of that..and to add to it, my ex-roommate at that time don't even bother about my situation ..she was so mean,pitiless..hemm..i called my mom and cried on the phone saying that i couldnot get on the bus because i can't walk, and i remember at that time my eldest sister was there, and she cried too...

2- i was staying with this cruel mean roommate for about 3-4 months, and she was treated me very badly, i tried to win her heart, respected her and listened to everything she said, but it seems not enough to her, anytime she was in bad mood, she scolded me heartlessly like someone who has no value at all, she treated me like rubbish..yess that is the right words for that moment..i really hate it until now..and yess i can't let it go yet.. i know that at that time i am still like a kid who was not mature in my actions and doings, and she was away too senior than me , my age at that time was 23 and she was almost 30 ..but as far as i am concern i always respect her and had done nothing wrong..but i always not good for her..as a roommate and also officemate , i felt so unhappy but don't know what to do..until one day i decided to run from that house, i left the house after telling another housemate to settle all the bills on my behalf, gave her some money, and i took half-day leave and packed all my clothes, and heading to my sister's house at Kg Baru...

at that time i felt so free and alive..i will NOT allowed anyone like her touching my soul like that again, it won't happend again..i felt like i am back, me..the one and only me who always happy go lucky, smiling, energetic.. was backkk...

i realised that , at that moment, she had taken all my happy + good soul.. she sucked it all and change me to a person who full of sadness, not-confident, always feel afraid and always thinking that i am a bad person...

but after i managed to run from her and found happiness at my sister's house, i am glad that all the horrible feelings were gone in a blinking of eye...i got myself back , even though i am still working at the same place but i am happier, i got rid of her, even sometimes we met because of meetings and discussions on students welfare..i just act normal like nothing happened..i am happy that i am strong enough to not ever let her ruined my beautiful life ...

2-in the same year while staying at my sister's house - i had been a hand-bag-snatcher victim while walking at dawn from the house to the bus stop to catch a bus to Bangi ..i need to get the earliest bus from kg Baru to Kotaraya and from Kotaraya to Bangi..so its still dark at that moment...

3-in 1999, i lost my first baby after 8 months married, i lost the baby in my 2 months pregnancy, after waiting for quite sometime...anyway when looking at my 3 kids' faces now i know that, Allah knows what best for me...

what else...i can't recall any other bad moments..thats all i guess..but i admit i still can't let go the first (number 1) moment.. but i hope one day, my heart will widely open to really forgive her in whatever she did to me..i still can remember some of her mean and cruel words..that make me felt like i am useless..for her..its HARD to forgive and to forget...

i won't look back at that bad moments, i left them with HER who created the BAD MEMORIES

like what my younger brother said as a comment for my sister entry in her FB:-
jangan pandang belakang, ada atu..hihihi....:)))

..in third moment (number 3), i always believe in Allah SWT, and Qadha' & Qadar..and with my 3 kids i have now, its like a power eraser which deleted all of that memory completely, Allah replace the lost baby with these 3 adorable kids who are the light of my life now..

so what about the good memories, the bright moments..oww i can't list them here, i have a lootttt of good memories..it will take forever:P...but i hold to them tightly, i bring them together with me now and hopefully until i die as the precious gifts from Allah SWT..knowing that Allah knows best and Allah loves me...

i pray to Allah SWT for Your Blessings ANd Love..Please open my mind and heart to be strong to accept all the challenge moments in my life and please help me to be a BETTER ME as a muslimah, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend ...i am so weak and lost without Your guide and love..You are the One and Only ..Lailahailallahh..Muhammadurrasulullah...

ALL THE GOOD ARE FROM ALLAH SWT AND ALL THE WRONG AND MISTAKES WERE FROM MY VERY OWN WEAKNESSES.....

~peace~

2 comments:

rodhiah_rahman said...

you need a patronus to cast away that dreadful dementor who sucked your happiness so long ago... heh, that would be an advice i give if we live in the harry potter world... sorry, tengah mode harry potter, x abis lagi...kihkihkih..
how about this, forgive her? people do say, you have to forgive first, then you can forget... it's hard, yeah... but maybe that's the best thing to do... ask Him for help to do that... just a little piece of my two cents... nice entry, btw, sis... make me want to do one just like this.. lama dah jugak x update blog, this might be a good restart... ;)

tinie hartinie said...

hehehehe...tinie baru baca blog ktie..lama dok baca... camner nok follow nih.....